Is it a compound word? Is it a noun? Is it a verb? Or is it a descriptor?
Does it mean to change one’s gender, or does it mean to change gender?
What is it? Why do we act as if we know its every waking moment, awkward few steps, and tragic end? There are so many tragic ends, but the transitive property of those who bear its burden live better for living on. If only transgender were as welcomed a word to one’s vocabulary as gay or ally.
There are so many who question its meaning. Why do people adopt it? Where did it come from? Is it a condition, conditional, or absolute thing? Do we have to question our own identity all the time because of it? Do we exist in flux as well, or is cisgender an anchor on two-dimensions?
How I see it on nights when all I do is lie in bed and think is, “where will it end and my gender begin?” When was I ever my gender? I look back at my life and see that I built walls and doors and pools to protect myself from others, but also to give myself room to occupy it.
How much of this or that is part of my gender, and what of that is trans? Where have I drawn boundaries unnecessarily? How can change them without losing the load-bearing pillars. Truth is something that has gotten me to where I need to be so far. When I can confront what trans means to me individually rather than rely on existing definitions I feel far more confident about where my journey will lead me and what words of others run congruent to my own lived experience.
There is never anything more difficult to ascertain sometimes, but so precious to have than the truth. Living by it can be frightening, but to resist it is to resist nature itself. It is to swim against the current not just when you are strong and determined, but also when you are weak and weary. For all my life this is what being trans has felt like.
It is a powerful truth that comes from myself, from my own being, where no boundaries will cross permanently. It is where I am whole already. It is the source of my greatest strength, that I am a person with the will to be the constant taboo. I have the will to be vulnerable and let that take me where it will. What is transgender but not to change gender itself while also exploring your own.