And lube. And pain. And self love. And frustration, anxiety, impatience, and a shocking amount of more blood. Plus I found a coffee-flavored Ensure, so there was a lot of that as well.
I woke up crying, then woke to a drug-induced calm. I took the picture featured at the top of this post and felt better about my current state of affairs being stuffed and swollen. During that first day I was not able to do very much, so instead of laying around in a near comatose state all day I started calling people to let them know I was okay. I do not totally remember the end of the first day, probably spent the rest of it hitting the morphine button.
I was woken when my shallow breathing caused the O2 monitor to go off, triggering an incessant beep until I took long, deep breathes for a short while. On the second day pretty sure I impressed some of the nursing staff for not hitting the morphine button for a few hours, mostly in an effort to encourage an early appearance of a food plate.
Having undergone the trials of a liquid diet before surgery, when my first plate was all liquid I found it to be pretty weak. But on my third day I devoured a bountiful bagel with cream cheese and a coffee. I find bagels to be the proper food at any time of the day, versatile and crisp, especially good after a vaginoplasty. Fantastic with any type of butter, dip, or cream. This was a much welcomed revival of the senses.
Then there was walking. This task is preceded by standing if you were not aware, which it follows is initiated with rolling to a side from a prone position. All of these positional changes becomes its own martial art during recovery. The shrimp maneuver judokas teach to white belts even comes to play, along with circling my arm behind myself to prop my body up to the traditional sitting position on the side of the hospital bed. And the posture upon standing when inflicted by an invasive crotch-centered surgery is akin to the posture of a good mild squat as to ensure my footing was secure.
This transitory state between lying down and perched upright on this flat Earth continued to be a struggle for weeks following, especially in the mornings, which is usually why I took my prescribed Vicodin either before going to sleep or shortly after waking, it took some time for just daily soreness and stinging to subside. But once I reached my 36th day of recovery I felt well enough to attempt a run.
The run was invigorating and just what I needed. And on the cool down I could feel my neo-vagina circulate blood, the nerves ebbed and flowed with a pleasing frequency. I wondered whether that feeling would ever go away (spoiler, it does.) It was very pleasing that I could so viscerally feel my neo-vagina making new connections with my body for at first I had this phantom limb awareness that my body existed in some other state.
While I was getting used to the new arrangement of things, I would flash myself in the mirror and that object permanence would catch up with delight. I’d have a grand feeling of wholeness. Not to get weird, but when I reach down and just cup my crotch with my hand I get this wondrous lack of surprise. Where at one time I would do the same and could feel that strong sense of incongruity, now I can feel my body without that slight dysphoric sizzle.
It’s interesting now on reflection how I can distinguish the feeling more clearly that pushed me to get GCS (Gender Confirming Surgery.) The closest metaphor I have for it is like when you start taking a vitamin your body is deficient in, it takes time for the benefits (or when you become vitamin deficient, the problems) to become apparent. It is satisfying to literally feel the benefits of my time spent working my way up to this point.
That first run was not the only good that came of my patience and persistence. The graft was healing fairly well, my energy afterward was nominal so long as my caloric intake was regular, and my flexibility and metabolism were pretty good throughout. The only real complication I had was swelling near one of the incisions, which left a hole after being drained that took a while to heal and needed constant care afterward. That has since sealed, leaving a little soreness and sting where it was.
Despite this complication, the very first time I really felt the previously detailed benefit of surgery was all the back to the very next Monday after surgery. After they removed the little plastic tube I was peeing out of for the week after, I felt this full body sigh of relief. When the packing was removed I could feel the reality of it all. It happened very quick, the weight lifted and I was lucky enough to have my friends with me to get past the stretches of exhaustion and ache.
Having a friend there post surgery while I was still pretty immobile and struggling to take care of myself was the world to me. That kind of pain can be mentally and emotionally heavy just prior to surgery no matter the positive result (or lack of complication.) And knowing someone is there for you is a huge benefit, especially when those moments of realization arrive. They arrived with greater ease and regularity, and if you are not partnered, then you can share that moment with that friend. It is a powerful moment, and to be able to struggle a little bit less with someone is always nice and affirming.
Even while staying at a friend’s place I called people all the time, messaged people online, and even hosted a board game night just to keep myself social and occupied. Major surgery like this had me at times feeling isolated and helpless. Another big mental boost was making sure I made a big, nutritious breakfast. Toast with organic peanut butter and eggs sunny side up, a meal that makes you drink water and keeps you full for a good while. I was amazed though, how many calories I needed to keep me going and my spirits up.
As one who has trained in Judo and Jiu Jitsu fairly regularly for the previous 9 years, it was fascinating to stop doing physical exercise completely for weeks and consume more than I usually ever would otherwise. I made sure to keep drinking water, and keep myself engaged with gaming, reading, writing, or socializing, but you don’t realize how much of your time will be taken up just dilating that first month. The act of working with a sterile, water-based lube, cleaning it up, and just getting efficient with dilating takes a long time at first, especially when your body is wrecked.
I typically use wet wipes to clean off most of the lube from the dilator then a paper towel doused with rubbing alcohol to take care of the rest of it. So far, the best, most commonly accessible brand I have found that leaves the least amount of residue is KY’s Ultragel. It takes the least amount of lube as it is incredibly slick as the name suggests. And now, months after surgery, I can dilate with relative ease. It took a lot of time to adjust to make it not take forever.
And I did get better at it, I learned how to dilate efficiently. Now, I am working with the rest of it. How does everything work now. Who am I now with a neo-vagina, without the dysphoria my genitals used to cause me. How do they work? Where do I go now personally? I guess this is the thing cis people take for granted, there are no moments to rediscover your own body. You exist in a fairly consistent state. You don’t expect any major hormonal or physiological shifts, nor do you desire that change to feel the way you expect to feel.
While I have had a diversity of experience being intersex and starting transition, I have taken a range of hormones, testosterone, estrogen, and neither (when I did not have insurance to get Androgel.) And just that experience alone has reconfigured my body in so many ways. Now, being done with GCS for myself, I feel I have checked a lot of the boxes on the medical side of things.
So the heavy lifting, saving money, getting letters from my therapist, getting laser hair removal on my crotch, planning the logistics of surgery, and just staying focused when you feel at any moment something could fall out from under you while you’re aiming for this big surgery, it’s all done. I am free of a lot of that burden for myself. The anxiety is gone, because it is done. My concern that it won’t all work out is gone, because it did. Now I just have to live. I have choice again. People still misgender me, I still have some dysphoria, but except for hormones I have very few things to stress about. And honestly, I have always been worried about my access to hormones since I was examined by doctors as a child. In the end, my life on paper has not changed much, just a different package with slightly different chemicals. Just the rest of it has. <3