In the past three weeks since coming out to my partner at the time, I have slowly built a network of trans-friendly people I can talk to if need be. I have talked to a local support group, past lovers, a therapist, distant friends, my doctor, and my housemates. The last being the most difficult as of course the result could be a relationship straining exercise in personal inquiry, fortunately reactions have been pretty positive and supportive.
The experience has been exciting when I have taken steps toward affirming my trans status as a female. Using the pronouns of she/her/hers and deciding on my name as Samantha Eleanor were two big early steps toward turning what I initially conceived of myself into real perceived actions and something I could see written down. On that note, entering my name in for deliveries has been an exciting low-risk(?) adventure.
But to take a step back a bit, let’s go with maybe 8 months ago, let’s consider a younger, less aware Samantha, who at this time reported as a bisexual, cis-gendered male. She’s on the OkCupid looking for love in more or less the right places when a particularly humorous interaction occurs between her and a lovely person who reported as a polyamorous, genderqueer, non-binary, not-robot potential date. They were an unexpected delight in what so far had been a wash for a year in terms of relationships.
As we saw each other, I felt more at ease to let go of my own social constructions of what gender meant to me. I also had other partners on occasion while seeing them, but I can be too easy going for my own good which can mean slipping back into assumed gender roles or dynamics and failing to express myself as I desire. Looking back at it, these relationships were unsuccessful for good reason. I did not want to be treated as male performing an assumed role. I wanted autonomy, which was what my genderqueer partner provided. I did not want to be subject to other people’s concepts of who or what I am.
What I have experienced throughout my life but especially recent months were bouts of feeling extremely exhausted and irritable. My job at the time was in IT support, and dealing with other people’s problems began to ebb at my soul. It was difficult to keep calm when people expressed their own confusion, even when they had good reason. And sometimes I would realize afterward my anger was unfounded and even preventing me from thinking problems through clearly. Unraveling what might have just been stress from life and work from the dysphoria I experienced (and always have) was not easy, but it has become far clearer why I was so agitated now that I can put words to the anxiety and unease I have felt about aspects of my life and my own body. I can now perceive what makes me feel like shit.
It is the constant oppression of my own self. My mannerisms, my speech, my hormones, how I dress, wear my hair, and how I even relate to others has been constantly bent to fit others’ perceptions. It is very much clear to me now why I feel more comfortable with those that are feminine presenting in forced social situations, such as work or in the dojo. I feel like locks are being picked and opened all the time now that I am freely expressing my transness, those aspects of my personality that have since catered to those who need to maintain/constrain gender are now breathing sighs of relief.
I love this. I love the transition. I love that I can write about it now, and I hope you can appreciate these words for being those of a free woman making empowering decisions about their own body.