Sed Replace – Translating Gender

There Will Be Blood

Sami D laying in bed shortly after surgery in a blue hospital gown.

And lube. And pain. And self love. And frustration, anxiety, impatience, and a shocking amount of more blood. Plus I found a coffee-flavored Ensure, so there was a lot of that as well.

I woke up crying, then woke to a drug-induced calm. I took the picture featured at the top of this post and felt better about my current state of affairs being stuffed and swollen. During that first day I was not able to do very much, so instead of laying around in a near comatose state all day I started calling people to let them know I was okay. I do not totally remember the end of the first day, probably spent the rest of it hitting the morphine button.

Continue reading “There Will Be Blood”

Notes on Vaginoplasty

Getting it scheduled

Most US surgeons will need the two letters from therapists who have treated you for dysphoria. They also typically require a year on HRT before scheduling, including a decent amount (~6-8 sessions of laser from my experience) of hair removal therapy (laser, electrolysis, etc..) You will also need to fill out an in-take form, each surgeon’s form is different as well as their restrictions for surgery. I recommend getting a PDF copy of your letters with no name specified if you want to contact several surgeons at once. Some surgeons require deposits and have consultation fees. Continue reading “Notes on Vaginoplasty”

Fear, Patience, and Judo

It’s honestly been a long time since I have had a night like tonight when I have had a great deal of time to think about how my transition is going and what still troubles me. I think the thing people honestly do not get about how being trans and openly transitioning can affect a person is the isolation it can put between you and those around you. I am so lucky to have the trans community that there is where I live. While smaller than others from what I hear, there is definitely a great degree of variety of identities expressed here. Continue reading “Fear, Patience, and Judo”

Dysphoria in a Box

"Are you hiding in your box?" "No!" "Gah!" Rabbit gets scared by a jester on a spring outside of a box.

These past few weeks have been kind of rough for me transitioning-wise. And it wasn’t until last week when I finally could express why, both framing my sense of dysphoria and honestly saying why and what is happening without just saying, “I’m frustrated shit isn’t happening fast enough for me.”

I imagine it the way I like to imagine how I first encountered a Jack in the Box. You’re given this small unassuming box with a crank on the side, and it starts to play “Pop Goes the Weasel” when you turn it.

*DOoo-do-do-DO, do-doO-DO-DO–DOo-do DOoo-do-do-DO, do-doO-DO-DO–DOo-do DO!!!* AND A FUCKING MONSTER IN THE FORM OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE A JESTER POPS OUT AT YOU!

And your first reaction just had to be like, “Come on! What the fuck? Seriously guys, is this the kind of shit we give to kids? Is this for real? What the hell. What in. the. hell. Seriously. This can’t be good…” Then you put it down, and forget about it because of, well, object permanence. You just kind of forget about it and pick it up later, and the whole process starts again. Continue reading “Dysphoria in a Box”

V for Valerie

For years I watched “V for Vandetta” and would tell my father V is the woman who wrote the letter Evey reads when V is torturing her. V is Valerie. I said this before I knew that the Wachowskis were trans, I said this before I came out as trans myself. But today it seems like one of those moments where I began to understand how I might perceive identity. But let us break down how I knew V is Valerie first, and circle back. Continue reading “V for Valerie”